today after classes and after our c.a.t,we-seniors, went to La Salle to watch a play.
It was about a quarter to six when i got home from school. just to freshen up a bit. i remembered. when we were having our training, (i'm with the clerk squad and HE is on the medic squad) i would always look at him when i have the chance. good gracious! i can't help it. damn, i miss him a lot. i miss talking to him. he would also look at me, but then i'll see it in his eyes like he's saying,"Do I know you?".. oh God, he doesn't know a thing. he doesn't know why i ended up so mad at him and why i'd stopped talking to him. i'm so ashamed of myself. i ruined our friendship. oh yeah, we were really good friends. it's been a month now. since we stopped talking.
i want to make amendments but i'm too afraid that he won't even want to speak to me. to a view, it was my choice, i backed off, without telling him.. i don't want to bother him. he's happy with his special someone and i don't want to mess it up. his happiness is more important than mine.
but i live with desiderata. "Be at peace with everyone." it says. so how can i ask for his forgiveness? i think i'm not worthy to be his friend anymore. (and i don't think he even cares if i'll be his friend) am i really that bad?
i left the house at around 6pm(heading to la salle), when the jeepney i'm riding suddenly stopped, and there they are. My ever funny and sweet classmates for almost 5-10yrs! haha.. we went together to La salle. He was also there. I wanted to speak to him but i can't. you know the reason why.. i wanted to ask him if he's still angry with me. but i just can't. i think i don't have the right to even ask him when my presence in his life doesn't even matter. oh God. help me.
After the play, which finished off at around 8:45pm, we went to eat supper at a steak house near la salle, i think there were 9 of us. two boys, ate at another steak house and us 8 went to the nearby steak house too.
i was in line, ordering, he was next to me. i wanted to say something to him. next,a friend of mine remained standing, the four of us ate in one table,then 1 boy occupied the table next to the four's, i sat in front of that boy. the HE, sat beside the boy infront of me. i know it doesn't mean a thing coz there's no more seats available, and it will really be awkward if he'll sit on another table from the group. so we ate, like nothing's happened.(the others don't know a thing.) all of us talked and talked and talked and laugh.
we decided to head home. we rode on a jeepney. there are times that i wanted to talk to him(really) and he caught my glimpses. the hell i care. he's so different from the others. he's special.
kill me for being crazy, last night i printed out some photos. while i was cutting the photos out,i felt my heart break to pieces once more.
there were 2 of our pictures together, one inside the classroom posing like fools, and the other was taken last August on the gym.
and then i said to myself;
This is the one guy that taught me how to love again.
This is the one guy that i loved this much.
This is the one guy that i can never share the rest of my life with.
